Once again, I
apologize for taking too long to update all of you. I'm still trying
to settle into the latest CT scan results.
You know, optimism
can do funny things. By this, I mean I know I have cancer and
I know there is no cure. But deep down inside, I want to
believe that I will be the exception to the rule, that I am,
somehow, “special” and can beat this “Beast” with a good
attitude. So, when the Oncologist discussed the CT results with us,
there was a part of me that was not surprised, and another
part of me that was kind of shocked.
OK, OK. Let me get
to it. The good news is that there are still only three tumors in my
lower left lung lobe. The good news is that it has not metastasized
to any other organs. The bad news is that the three tumors have
grown - not quite doubling in size since I took a break from chemo 3
months ago. The “Beast” is now in my lymph nodes. I have two
nodules in my neck -- one on the right side is the size of a marble;
the other on the left side is the size of a small bean. I can feel
both of them. The fact that I can actually feel them makes it all that much
more “real” (and scarey!) to me.
Not the best news, but certainly far from the worst news. We discussed the possibility of radiation or even laser on the neck "lumps". My Oncologist said the side effects would cause worse problems than the lumps, which are not in positions currently causing problems. The lung tumors, also, are not located in positions that are causing problems; this is certainly good news. SO, I've decided to go another 3 months, reassess at that time and probably go back on chemo of some type. I'm good with that and so is Dr Schneider -- who has steered me very well along this path of mine and would tell me bluntly if he thought this was a bad choice. I'll enjoy the summer (wish it weren't so incredibly HOT!).
Maybe you're
wondering how I deal with this emotionally and mentally. I'm not
going to whitewash this and say it's easy because it is not. It's such an emotional roller coaster. What's
important to me is a balance of quality of life, as well as
length of life. I tell myself all the time that I can not control
what the “Beast” is doing, no matter how hard I try. This is
like being on a battlefield. The “Beast” is my enemy; I have
my bunkers set up and foxholes dug. Then, the “Beast” advances; I must reassess my battlefield, move my bunkers & dig new
foxholes.
Or maybe a better
explanation would be this: It's like having to move without notice from a large home to a two bedroom
condo. I have to find new places (mentally, emotionally) for
everything. My pendulum is swinging back and forth at the moment,
but it will come back to center again in the next week or so.
Gordy does his best
to deal with all of this. I think, perhaps, he has just a little bit
too much denial about this and, as a result, is always shocked with
anything “bad” that happens as time has gone on. But, I don't
know that I would be any different if the tables were turned.
I could not put one
foot in front of the other each day if I didn't have God in my life.
Of that, I am absolutely certain. In my book, I am still very lucky
and very blessed. I will not give in and I will not give up!! love - me
