A Celebration of Life - August 10, 2013

Dear Friends,


A Celebration of Life for Correne Crawford Mattson will be Saturday, August 10th, 1 pm visitation, 2 pm service at Cremation Society of Minnesota - 7110 France Ave. So., Edina, MN 55435-phone 952-924-4100.  - Sue Hogan Girard

July 22, 2013

Dear Friends,

I am deeply saddened that Correne passed today, July 22, 2013 with Nancee and Gordy by her side holding her hands. She was an extraordinary friend, sister, wife, aunt, grandmother, with many relatives and friends who loved her dearly. Her heart was large enough for everyone. She took life on with courage and an unmatched passion. She will be greatly missed by many, many family members and her many friends. I have been blessed to know such a wonderful person as Correne.-Sincerely, Sue Hogan Girard.

This message above was placed on Correne's FB page at Nancee's request shortly after Correne passed.
I'd like to add that Correne's spirit will live on in my heart and so many others' for a very long time. She extended herself, her generosity, and her journey with everyone.  She cared for people who were also suffering from the same condition.  She volunteered her own time, all this within the last year or so, to those whose time left was much less than her own.  She wasn't really feeling well physically, like you and I would feel to include activity like this in our own lives, but she did it anyway.

How she loved her family was so clear and evident.  Her sisters, her extended family and her close friends, she loved so much, and so vocally.  Over and over I knew Correne's family was everything to her.  How can one person be a part of so many people's lives?  Correne could tell you, she would not let anything stop her from doing what she knew would make a difference.  I hope she knows how much she was admired and loved by literally hundreds of people.  I honor her spirit and gusto for life and will miss her for the rest of time. - Sue

An Update From Gordy

Dear Friends,
Gordy and Correne's dear friend Judy (who is visiting) both called me today with a request to share this with all of you.  Correne is mostly resting comfortably and is not mobile. She is now resting throughout the day and is speaking but very softly when she is awake.  Just last week I spoke to Correne. She was able to walk to her computer for a nice long visit she and I.  This week has seen a change in her abilities.

Judy arrived Monday, July 8th and visited with Correne last night for a while in her room as she lay in bed.  She and Correne talked for a while, reflecting and talking about friends and family.  Correne even showed some enthusiasm with Judy about getting up today (Tues).  Today Correne is not able to do so and Gordy and Judy are both right there with her.  Gordy's strength and sadness is a glimpse to his devoted love for Correne.  Both Judy and Gordy wanted me to send this out on their behalf as they know so many of you want to pray for Correne and know how she is doing.  If you wish to visit or contact Correne, Gordy expressed his desire for any of you who wish to speak to or visit Correne to please do so now.  Hospice came by Monday and will be visiting Correne regularly.  She is resting comfortably with no discomfort.

Last night Correne shared with Judy everyone's cards, letters and photos and spoke of so many of her friends and family.  Correne sends her love to you all. - Sue

Helping Correne with Her Post

July 6,2013 - Correne's Next Post
Correne composed an update to post here, but she was unable to complete the task.  Correne asked me to help her with a new post but I have not yet received it.  I hope this weekend will be an opportunity to update the blog.  Stay tuned...... Susan Hogan Girard

June 7, 2013

Once again, it's been too long since I updated this blog to let you know how I'm doing..

My sister, Micki, came from Kingston, NY from May 1^st thru the 11^th. It was so nice to spend time with her! I'd made a “to do” list of various things I wanted her to help me get done.

I was always a prolific cross-stitcher but can't do it anymore because my eyes simply aren't good enough. I had a big supply of threads, beautiful materials, buttons, etc, and I wanted to give this to friend, Shelley, also a big stitcher. I also love to do mosaics but can't anymore. Micki helped me sort through it all and my friends came by to take most of it away. I like knowing that someone else will use & enjoy my stuff.

What I was not prepared for was the emotional fall-out of giving away “stuff”. After Micki left, I would find myself crying (sobbing) for no reason at all, and wondering to myself, “What it going on ??”. It took a couple of days to realize I was “mourning” parts of my life that were gone or going away. While I know it's “normal”, it doesn't make it any easier to feel the feelings or to let go of it. There is no GPS for navigating the mental & emotional journey through Cancer (“The Beast”). I decided that these 'waves' of emotion are like ocean waves that come tumbling over me – no way of seeing them coming or avoiding them – I just haave to ride thruough each one. It sucks!

The Palliative Care Nurse is always asking me about my pain level. Pain – very subjective. I “inherited” my Mom's high pain tolerance, which is good, but I am so reluctant to use pain pills. As I've said before – I can tolerate 'uncomfotable', I can't tolerate 'unbearable'. So, for now, I use pain pills sparingly.

You have NO idea how frustrating it is when I see something that either I'd like to do OR needs to be done (like cobwebs on the ceiling) and I can't do it. Since I updated this blog last, fatigue has become a bigger issue. Plus falling and staying sleep has reared its ugly head again. I go to bed fairly early (usually by 9PM) and don't get up much before 10 AM. Some days, by the time I get up , take my pills, brush my teeth, etc, I'm ready to go right back to bed. I don't, of course, because I can hear my Mom in my head saying, “OK, that's enough. Come on: get up, get up, get up!”

OK, so my nephew, Ryan (17), (I adore that kid!) is coming on June 20^th thru July 3^rd from Georgia to spend time with me & Gordy. Can't wait to see him. He will be spending time with Gordy too – they love to go fishing. He's a good kid and loves his “Aunt Reenie”. I'm so grateful to my sister, Nancee, and bro-in-law, Jim, for letting him come up here.

The two lymph nodes in the front of my lower neck get irritated, which makes it hard for me to swallow and cough. Uncomfortable but bearable. There are other things going on with me – physically – but I hate to burden you with all that.

I can't even begin to tell my GHS friends how much your cards & notes have meant to me!!! It is so nice to be remembered and especially by people who know me so well and from way back when.

My world is shrinking. I don't get out much. This has been such a crappy spring and, so far, summer, has not made an appearance – I'm sure some of you are experiencing the same thing. To be able to sit in the side yard with the sun on my face would be great.

I think I'm rambling here. So I'll end for now. Please know that I love you!!

April 12, 2013

Another update – this time with better news. It's been 5 or 6 weeks since I got into the Palliative Care/Hospice program through my health insurance. The hospital bed they delivered to the house made a big difference for me. I am actually sleeping better – for 4 or 5 hours at a stretch. It's changed my energy level for the better (and, Gordy also can attest, my “crabbiness” level has improved immensely– ha!!). It is so nice to be able to adjust that bed . Sleep deprivation was obviously taking a toll on me since November.

Within the past few weeks, my energy level had improved. The next big thing is that the doc prescribed what I call “cough pills”. I was coughing so much (particularly at night) that it was triggering vomiting, and I quickly lost 20 pounds (which I mentioned in my last blog) – very bad for energy. But these pills have cut down on the coughing, hence, no vomiting, hence, I can eat and – wow – my energy level is better. It really is amazing to look in the mirror and realize how incredibly awful I felt and looked just a few weeks ago.

Don't get me wrong; this is no utopia, believe me. The lingering side effects from the chemo treatment I had last year, plus the brain radiation in December are no picnic. But, as I've said many times in this blog, it could be so much worse. Uncomfortable – I can deal with that. I just have to take each day as it comes. Some days are pretty good; some days can be yucky and I deal with it. Oh, did I mention that one of the radiation side effects is acne? Yes, at 62, I am back at puberty. Thank goodness for RX drugs to help zap zits! But still – pimples at 62 – egads!

When I last saw my Oncologist in mid Feb, I was in pretty bad shape. I usually come in with a list of questions. But on that visit, I was so wiped out and had little to ask and little to say. This week, I left him a message to call We had a long, l-o-n-g talk. One of the questions I had for him was oral chemo drug we'd discussed last year. When I'd had a lung biopsy a little over a year ago, my cancer cells were sent off to California for Genome/DNA testing. The point was to find out whether my particular cancer cells had certain “markers” or “mutations”. Unfortunately, my “markers” are turned off. As a result, the drug would have only a one in seven chance of affecting (slowing down) my cancer. Also, the side effects from this drug were, well, not good – lots of gastric-intestinal & esophageal problems. Do I really want to spend the time I have left being sick & vomiting for a one in seven chance for any or no results? I don't like the odds. No. Quality of life is more important to me.

The one question– really, the only question - I had for him: How much time do you think I have? He said, “Maybe a year”. Now I know you may think I'm nuts (ok, ok, so you already know I am!), but I was so glad to hear that. I really thought he was going to say “three or four months”. Even if he's off by a couple of months, it was better than I was expected.

My sister, Nancee, from Georgia came here for a week a couple of weeks ago, and my sister, Micki, from NY is coming for ten days on May 1^st. God, I adore my sisters! It's been great to spend time with them.

I have a “project” I'm just starting – will probably take me a long time – but it will help occupy myself – am going through all of my parents photo albums. Oh, and they took a lot of photos over the years. I may very well be sending some of you photos. It is going to be a trip down memory lane for me, that's certain!

I am so incredibly grateful to my high school friends all across the country who have been sending me cards and letters. Thank you for remembering me; thank you for writing to me; thank you for bringing back such wonderful memories!! I always knew my GHS were special – you've proved it to me! I will update this blog again soon. Love - me

I told you, when I began this journey, that I would be keeping this real, so I am. The past 3 months have been very difficult. Right after the first of the year, I developed bacterial pneumonia so was on mega-doses of antibiotics. The side effects from radiation treatments I'd had in mid-December kicked in (mainly fatigue).

The issue which has been up in the air since Thanksgiving was the chemo drug my doc & I were considering for me. I've had plenty of time to consider everything; and I did a lot of research into the drug.. My tumors are growing – not fast – but still growing. It is a huge decision, I have done a flip-flop every single day for weeks and weeks. What's important to me is the quality of my life. The side effects from the chemo drug would have only made my life more difficult After discussing it with my oncologist, I'm comfortable with my decision. Wish I didn't have to make the decision at all? You betcha, but that's not how life works.

After all these years of trying to lose weight, I finally found a weight loss solution. Problem is, it's fatal. Can you believe it?! I've lost about 20 pounds over the past couple of months. My pants are actually loose on me. NutraSystem has nothing on me!

Thank goodness I have good health coverage. Last week, I enrolled in a Palliative Care/Home Health Aide program. They brought in a hospital bed for me. I have to say, it really is nice not fighting my old bed, trying to get a comfortable position was so difficult to do and I don't think I was sleeping very well because of that. A nurse from the team calls throughout the week and comes over once a week, plus we can call them 24/7 and they respond immediately.

Don't you dare feel sorry for me. I am not dead. I have to admit, it is a strange feeling to think of suddenly just “not being”, but that's how it works, and I certainly cannot change the rules!

Being a caregiver is difficult for Gordy. He gets stressed out easily. I think he's worried that something is going to happen “on his watch” and I keep telling him, it's not “your” watch, Gordy, it's God's. Still, he's doing his best, which is far better than most!

I do ask: do not send me Emails. I'm overwhelmed and cannot keep up. But I would love to get a card or a note or a short letter from you. My friends have been wonderful. I can't even begin to find the words to thank them!! You know I love you; it's all I really have to give. So I'm sending it back to you. Love - me (You haven't heard the last from me)

I wish you joy & laughter for Christmas

I am so very glad to be able to tell you that I'm better! Not great, but certainly better. It has been a very l-o-n-g November & December. I'm only really beginning to realize just how sick I really was.

A quick update, if you didn't know. I went into the hospital the day before Thanksgiving and stayed for 6 days. Thought I had the flu. After a brain MRI, it turns out, I didn't. The lung cancer metastasized to my brain – two teensy-tiny tumors @ 3mm & 4 mm, plus one bigger @ 2 cm, which is at the base of my cerebellum - were causing all kinds of havoc.

Immediately began whole brain radiation treatrments – 10 of them. Whoa! For the first week, I had ULTRA-sensitivity to light, sounds, smells and yucky nausea. Our house was like a bat cave – all the shades were pulled and I walked around with a pair of wrap-around “Stevie Wonder” sunglasses with earplugs in – quite the sight! Fortunately, those side effecs have pretty much faded. Still have a low-grade headache. Ah, it could be worse. In fact, it WAS worse.

Last Wednesday, Dec 12^th, I had a laser treatment on the big tumor. It lasted for one hour. I had to wear a specially made mask – very, very tight to my face – and also wear a housepiece during the procedure. My head was bolted down to the table with the mask & mouthpiece in place – scarey. When the hour was up, the technicians helped me up from the table and said, “Oh, those marks on your face will fade over the next hour.” Me: “What marks?” Her: “Here's a mirror, take a look.” Well, once I got close enough to the mirror to see, I burst out laughing! I had hundreds of tiny squares indented on my forehead, my cheeks, my nose, my neck, my earlobes, my eyelids. I looked like a Belgian waffle!!!! Just needed a big pat of butter on my check to finish off the look! HA!!!!

Oh, and I have to tell you about this. They told me that I'd lose my hair after the radiation treatments stopped. I assumed it would fall out gradually. WRONG! Last Thursday, I went into the shower with hair and came out looking like a Capuchian monk! Gob & gobs & gobs of hair fell out – just from the pressure of the water hitting my head. It was like someone threw a switch – bam – no hair!! I am as bald as a cue ball! Very dramatic!! Gordy and I look like almost a matched set (he has more hair!). When I turned 59, I was bald and now at 62, I'm bald again. I don't think God wants me to have hair! Good thing it doesn't really matter to me – that's what hats are for, right?!

I will have a chest CT done the last week in January and see my Oncologist on the 29^th, when I will go back on chemo-therapy (a once a day pill). Not exactly looking forward to it, but if it helps me stay around for awhile longer, I'm good with that, as long as my quality of life doesn't suffer.

Gordy & I are going to have a nice, quiet Christmas here at home. Both of my sisters, Micki & Nancee, are coming from the 27^th through Jan 9^th and will overlap their stays. This will give Gordy a chance to take a couple of ice-fishing trips way up in Northern Minnesota – to be able to get away without worrying about me. I intend to laugh & laugh & laugh my butt off the entire time my knucklehead sisters are here!

I will, of course, let you know what's happening. Merry Christmas from me & Gordy. With lots of love - Correne

This is the first time I've been on the computer since the end of October. Inundated with email messages – yikes!. But I need to update all of you.

When I left off last, I was to have foot surgery on Oct 29^th. Am so glad to report it went exceptionally well – my “Franken-foot” healed well and I'm back in regular shoes – awesome podiatrist/surgeon! That was certainly (and thankfully!) the least of my worries.

The problem began about a week or so after the foot surgery. I began to feel lethargic, achy, low-grade headache, nausea/vomiting, chills – flu-like symptoms. I'd never had the flu (believe it or not!). I kept getting worse a little bit each day that went by. After a week and a half, something intuitively told me this might not be the flu, but, hey!, I'm not the Dr.. Gordy took me to the clinic – they ran urine & blood tests; said go home & rest, that I had a particularly bad viral flu. Hmm-Hmm. Another week goes by, and in the interim, I'm feeling so much worse, plus, my sense of balance is all screwy – every time I stand up, I felt like I was going to tip over. I start walking around the house with a crutch, to make sure I don't topple over. Also, within a matter of days, the headache worsened, and I began to feel this pressure at the base of my skull. Very strange feeling. And this flu - no improvement. What the hell?!

The afternoon before Thanksgiving, I was feeling absolutely & totally punk, thinking to myself, “Tomorrow has to be better, it just has to be.” Gordy was at work. My friend Karen called. She was shocked at how awful I sounded. I'd had enough and asked her to take me to the ER. My sweet friend arrived in 15 minutes. An angel.

Was admitted to the hospital where I stayed for 5 days. I think the one thing that was “missed” throughout this was the fact that I had no fever, and that's the thing that kept nipping at the back of my mind. No fever? What the hell?!

It was no flu. A brain scan showed the lung cancer has metastasized to my brain (which I'd thought was filled with straw – but apparently not!). There is a tumor (they call them lesions) at the base of my cerebellum (where I felt the weird pressure) – it's about 2 centimeters in size. A bad location for it, by the way, since it's just about in the area where all the body function “bundles” run up the spine through the neck. Typical me though – if it's going to be weird, it'll happen to me!!

On the other hand, Regions Hospital was incredibly on top of it. A brain surgeon came in to see me – Dr McIver (honest to God that's his name, I thought I was being punked !!) Nice man. He said that surgery would not be his recommendation – laser treatment was. The Tuesday after Thanksgiving, I began brain radiation (“whole brain radiation treatment” - 10 treatments). Tomorrow will be the 10^th and last. Wednesday, I will be having a laser treatment (“Stereo-tactic brain treatment”).

I have to say, I'm really pretty fascinated with all the prep, machines, etc, etc. If I have to go through it, I might as well learn something, right? Knowledge takes away the fear for me. I want to get this posted so that you'll know what's happening. It has taken me four days to write this. I will write more. I don't care how bad it gets, there is a lot of fight left in this bear!! With much love – me!

PS: if you want to send me an email, please.....type it out, print it and then mail it to me. The computer it incredibly overwhelming to me right now. (5315 - 28^th Avenue So, Minneapolis, MN 55417)

Unexpected Turn - Hospital Over the Holidays

Correne usually writes update but I am doing it instead.  I got a message at Thanksgiving time from Correne and she simply said, 'Call Gordy'.   I called Correne instead and she picked up her phone from her hospital bed.

Correne spend several days during Thanksgiving week in the hospital with symptoms of the flu that just would not let up.  She decided to have it checked out.  She had brain scans and several tumors showed up in the scan.  They are affecting her in similar ways as the flu might.

She is meeting with her Doctor to discuss a plan and more information will be available.  Call and let her know you are thinking of her. - Sue Hogan Girard

Here we got again!!

Once again, I apologize for not updating you more often, either thru this blog or Facebook. Facebook, by the way, is simply beyond me. I don't particularly like everyone knowing all of my business all of the time! Hence, I'm rarely on FB.  Out-of-step, that's me! Yup, it is official: I have turned into my mother!

It has been six months without chemo and the side effects have been taking their sweet time backing off. My energy level continues to be a crap shoot each day. I can tell when I get out of bed in the morning whether it's going to be a "good" energy day or not. Then I gauge my day accordingly, but I'm usually worn out by late afternoon. O-o-o-o-o! My focus and attention span have improved over the past few months so that I can READ again. I am eating up & spitting out books like crazy! Hurrah!

I'd hoped to drive back to Geneva this fall - out on the open road, stopping when I want to, independent (as ever) - but it's finally dawning on me this is highly unlikely to happen. Gordy & I went for a short Fall drive (I drove); when we got home a couple hours later, I was completely whipped. Apparently everyone around me has known I really couldn't do a long Road-trip except me. I'm bummed out, but not entirely giving up on the idea. Then again, I could have broken legs & arms and not give up on that Road-trip idea – too stubborn - HA!!

OK, back to my latest late Sept CT scan results. I'm really pretty pleased -- I'd expected the tumors to have doubled in size since late June, but they didn't!! There are four. (Get out your Metric ruler!) The largest (previously 2 cm) is now just under 3 cm. The next largest (previously about 1.5 cm) is now 1.8 cm. The next was about 1.3 cm and is now 1.5 cm and the smallest is about 1 cm. The enlarged lung lymph node is stable; the lumps in my neck have grown slightly. ALL of that is, in my book, good news. I am SO incredibly blessed!

My Oncologist recommended another 3 months without chemo and I'm on board with that. In early January, right after the holidays, I will have another CT and a brain MRI and will go back on chemo therapy again (O Joy!).

There is a “wrinkle”. I have a benign nodule on the ball of my right foot, as well as a bunion. It's become progressively worse since I was first diagnosed with lung cancer, to the point where I'm finding it increasingly difficult to walk without pain. SO, I'm going to torture myself (!!!!) by having surgery done on Oct 29^th to fix my foot. The recuperation period is 2 – 3 months. I know it will be difficult, but my quality of life is suffering and this is my “window” of time to get it done, while I'm off chemo. Honestly, guys, do I know how to have fun or what??!!

I'm a little bit nervous of having surgery because it's possible that it could lead to a spiral downward. But, I refuse to live being afraid of “maybe” or “might”. Nope, not my style – never was and never will be! I promise to update you after I have foot surgery – this time I mean it!! With love - me

July '12 update

Once again, I apologize for taking too long to update all of you. I'm still trying to settle into the latest CT scan results.

You know, optimism can do funny things.   By this, I mean I know I have cancer and I know there is no cure.  But deep down inside, I want to believe that I will be the exception to the rule, that I am, somehow, “special” and can beat this “Beast” with a good attitude.  So, when the Oncologist discussed the CT results with us, there was a part of me that was not surprised, and another part of me that was kind of shocked.

OK, OK. Let me get to it.   The good news is that there are still only three tumors in my lower left lung lobe.   The good news is that it has not metastasized to any other organs.    The bad news is that the three tumors have grown - not quite doubling in size since I took a break from chemo 3 months ago.    The “Beast” is now in my lymph nodes. I have two nodules in my neck -- one on the right side is the size of a marble; the other on the left side is the size of a small bean. I can feel both of them.    The fact that I can actually feel them makes it all that much more “real” (and scarey!) to me.

Not the best news, but certainly far from the worst news.   We discussed the possibility of radiation or even laser on the neck "lumps".    My Oncologist said the side effects would cause worse problems than the lumps, which are not in positions currently causing problems.   The lung tumors, also, are not located in positions that are causing problems; this is certainly good news.   SO, I've decided to go another 3 months, reassess at that time and probably go back on chemo of some type.   I'm good with that and so is Dr Schneider -- who has steered me very well along this path of mine and would tell me bluntly if he thought this was a bad choice.   I'll enjoy the summer (wish it weren't so incredibly HOT!).

Maybe you're wondering how I deal with this emotionally and mentally.    I'm not going to whitewash this and say it's easy because it is not.  It's such an emotional roller coaster.  What's  important to me is a balance of quality of life, as well as length of life. I tell myself all the time that I can not control what the “Beast” is doing, no matter how hard I try.   This is like being on a battlefield.    The “Beast” is my enemy; I have my bunkers set up and foxholes dug. Then, the “Beast” advances; I must reassess my battlefield, move my bunkers & dig new foxholes.

Or maybe a better explanation would be this:  It's like having to move without notice from a large home to a two bedroom condo.    I have to find new places (mentally, emotionally) for everything.   My pendulum is swinging back and forth at the moment, but it will come back to center again in the next week or so.

Gordy does his best to deal with all of this.    I think, perhaps, he has just a little bit too much denial about this and, as a result, is always shocked with anything “bad” that happens as time has gone on.  But, I don't know that I would be any different if the tables were turned.

I could not put one foot in front of the other each day if I didn't have God in my life. Of that, I am absolutely certain.   In my book, I am still very lucky and very blessed.  I will not give in and  I will not give up!!  love - me

Sorry it's taken me so long to give you an update, so here is the latest.    After all the expense of one test after another,  my doctor is stumped as to why I'm having pain (on & off)  in my right upper chest.   According to the tests, everything is normal.  

I even went for a 2nd opinion yesterday.  That Dr looked over all the test results and said, "Well, it could be scar tissue pressing on nerves; it could be physiological stress built up over 2 1/2 years; it could be a combination of both, or something the tests don't show us."  As for the heartburn, & stomach issues, I have mild Gastritis.  That's it!    I am so glad I "inherited" my Mom's high pain tolerance.    It's kind of discouraging though that there is nothing specific.     

On the other hand, I am happy to say that the side effects are backing off a little bit.  Not as much I'd like nor as quickly as I'd hoped, but a little bit is better than not at all!  There's always something to be glad about!  Will update you again after Memorial Day.  love - me

April 20, 2012  

Here's the latest:  The HIDA scan showed liver and gall bladder functions as completely normal.  My GP is perplexed.  He thinks it could be a side effect from the chemo; he thinks it could be scar tissue from the surgery 2+ years ago; he thinks it could be neither of these.  So-o-o-o-o, I'm going to have an Endoscopy procedure (down the throat) on Tuesday.  I'm going to have Gordy paint a teensy-weensy clown on my tonsils just to surprise the doctor who does the procedure!!  HA!  Will let you know the results. 

April 15, 2012

As I re-read my last post, it occurred to me that you might've come away thinking that I'm giving up. That could NOT be further from the truth! I have NO intention of giving up or giving in to “the Beast” anytime soon. Nope, isn't going to happen!

I do want you all to understand, however, that there is no cure for lung cancer. I wish there were, but the reality is there isn't. I'm lucky, however, in that I have the more slow-growing typeof cancer (adenocarcinoma). The hope is that it can be “managed” for as long as possible. Or perhaps a drug which is currently in Clinical Trials will show great promise. But, I'm really lucky because the end of April will be 2 ½ years since I was diagnosed – that is amazing in so many ways because the odds are stacked against me. The facts are that the 5 year survival rate for Stage 4 non-small cell lung cancer is less than 10%. HOWEVER, I intend to be part of that 10 percent!!!!

So, here's what been happening since my last update. I had my last chemo treatment on February 28^th. After yet another rough month of side effects in March, I had a CT scan. The 3 nodules in my lower left lung have remained the same: 8mm, 5mm and 3mm. This is very good news!! Next CT scan will be the end of June.

I have really been looking forward to the numerous side effects slowly backing off in the coming weeks & months so that I could do more – gardening, maybe some fishing with Gordy, etc. However, in the strangeness and unpredictability that is Life, God had other plans!

Let me back up a little bit and explain that since I had surgery 2+ years ago, I've complained on and off of a “tightness”/”fullness” in my upper right abdomen. Various doctors told me it was muscle spasms from having had thoracic surgery and that it takes a long time to heal completely. OK. I was good with that. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain so I got used to it being a 3 or a 4. Over the past 6 to 9 months, it's gotten a little bit worse. In my mind, I figured some of it was because I slouched too much and my muscles needed to be stretched. So when I'd feel more “uncomfortable”than usual, I sit up extra straight and eventually the feeling would go away.

OK, back to the present. Last Thursday, just two short days after we received the CT results, the “uncomfortable” feeling came (yet again) but this time, it didn't go away and, in fact, got worse (like a 7 on the pain scale). I called my clinic and they said, “Go to the ER”, which we did. They ran blood tests, and ultra-sounds, all of which were inconclusive. The ER Doc said he suspected it might be my gall bladder though I had no gall stones. My “uncomfortable” level went back down to a 3 and we went home. I went to see my GP earlier this week who sent me for a HIDA scan (which measures my liver & gall bladder function). Had that test this past Thursday.

What a miserable time that was! After being injected with a radioactive isotope tracer, I had to lie on my back - without moving - for 60 minutes. Holy Cow! When the 60 minutes was up, I was so stiff (hips, knees and ankles), I needed help getting off the table, putting on my shoes and standing up! Isn't getting older a complete laugh tract?!!

We are awaiting the results of this test – should be in on Tuesday. Maybe I'm supposed to be learning something from this on-going saga? What, exactly, that might be, I don't know. I do know this: God won't give me more than He thinks I can handle. I'll keep you posted!!

I know it's been awhile since I updated my blog. It can be SO difficult for me to focus & concentrate. “Chemo brain” makes my attention span is like a 6 year old! Here's the latest news:

I had my 12^th treatment on Tuesday. In some ways, that's hard for me to believe – that I've been able to put up with this since last May. I've mentioned the side effects (at least some of them; there are too many!). Since December, these have worsened and become more difficult for me to bear, particularly the Neuro-toxic ones. Last month, I discussed – in detail - the possibility of taking a break from chemo-therapy with my Oncologist. I went alone to that appointment because, well, I just didn't want to upset Gordy and, ultimately, it is my decision. My Dr. was open with me (as he always is) and gave me enough to chew on for the past month. I've bounced back & forth a thousand times over it. Can't tell you how many nights and mornings I've laid in bed thinking about it.

At this week's appointment (with Gordy this time), I brought my “list” of questions, and we discussed them all. Dr. Schneider he thinks a break is a good idea because I've had such pain-in-the-ass (his words!) side effects that it's affecting my quality of life (which it IS). SO, I've decided: no chemo-therapy for awhile. I am excited AND scared spit-less. I'll have a CT scan on March 26th, go for blood work on the 30th, then meet with him on Apr 2nd for the CT results, which will be my "baseline". Depending on the CT & blood results, we'll do a CT in 3 months and re-assess again at that time.

He said if all goes well, this break might last for "more than 6 months, but we have to keep it in check". Obviously, I have to hang loose on all this because anything can change - cancer is a changeling Beast! I know this break is taking a risk, but I have to do it.

So, no more steroids -- I'll be saving a small fortune on stool softeners (ha-a-a-a-a!). When the fatigue starts to let up, I would like to start walking in the neighborhood. I feel like a Weeble!! It's going to take me a l-o-n-g time to build up my stamina because fatigue has worn me down over the past 2+ years. I'm hoping my energy will improve by mid-April but who knows? A day at a time.

I am (and have always been) one of those over-the-top, 150% -types. So, my other problem will be to rein in my enthusiasm as (hopefully) my energy comes back I don't want to be a racehorse who jumps the gate, runs 3 feet, then falls over, though I suspect that's EXACTLY what I'll do as soon as I have an even slightly “pumped-up” day! Why would I change after all these years?!

The unknown is, of course, my greatest fear, as it would be for you in the same circumstances. I am so incredibly lucky and BLESSED in so many ways. My excitement is greater than my fear, so we shall see what comes down the pike. I am still here – battle-worn, yes, but still here! love - me

Jan 12, 2012

I can not believe it's 2012. But, then again, I also can't believe I'm 61. Holy cow! Where do the years GO?!!

My latest CT scan results are, once again, good. There were 4 tumors; there are now 3. One is, according to my Oncologist, either gone or so tiny that it doesn't even show up on the scan. The 3 remaining tumors went from 9 mm to 7 mm, from 7 mm to 5 mm and from 5 mm to 3 mm. And it appears that the cancer has not metastasized anywhere else. I am still on chemo therapy, and will continue receiving an IV treatment every 4 weeks.

If I had to have cancer (not that I had a choice in the matter!), this is an incredible time. There are so many new drugs coming out; there are so many advances being made. DNA/Genome testing of cancer cells makes it possible to personalize chemotherapy treatments. Incredible stuff. Still, the plain truth is that the drugs flood the body with enough toxins to kill the cancer but, hopefully, not kill the person.

I'm not going to kid you or downplay it: The side effects really stink. There is nothing to be done about most of them. The worst ones are dry eyes, fatigue and peripheral neuropathy (left leg & both feet). I am on an all-day regimen with my eyes - thick eye drops, tear duct plugs & on & on. It usually doesn't help much, but makes me feel as though I'm at least doing something to fight back. Not much I can do about the fatigue, I'm afraid.

I'm happy to report that the "chemo brain" is improving. Or maybe not. Maybe it just doesn't bother me as much as it did. My concentration & focus are a little better. I can read books again, which is terrific. Gordy bought me a Kindle for Christmas. I've been reading old classics like "Little Women", "To Kill a Mockingbird", "Tom Sawyer", etc - all books I've read in the past, but appreciate so much more now.

It has been 6 months now that I've been going on Thursday mornings to the Minneapolis VA hospital to volunteer in the Oncology Clinic. And I love it. It just energizes me to spend time with the veterans in the clinic. I'm usually completely whipped for a day & a half afterwards, but it's worth my energy. And I really love those men & women who come through the clinic.

I am so incredibly lucky in so many ways, and I'm also incredibly humbled that I AM STILL HERE! Thanks for listening to me. All love from me!!

Dec '11

Hi all! My chemotherapy continues - every 4 weeks. I will remain on this particular drug indefinitely as long as the cancer continues to respond. It will not kill "the Beast" but it will slow it down. November was a rough month - side effects galore. So far, this month has been OK. Never know from month-to-month what my response will be. Am just glad it was better than last month! There is always something to be grateful for, and I am grateful for each day I'm given. I may not go out partying, but I enjoy it as much as I can. No guarantees that tomorrow will come - for any of us!

I refuse to say "Happy Holidays", though that is what almost everyone is saying this year. Fa-geddaba-it! It's Christmas, not Xmas. So, I wish you a very wonderful, healthy, and blessed Christmas surrounded by people who love & care about you! My next CT scan will be at the very end of this month. I'll let you all know the results. I am still here!!! love - me

November '11

I am SO overdue to give you an update on what's been happening with me. There have been too many days I am simply overwhelmed. I have full intentions of updating this blog, then sit in front of the screen and my mind goes completely blank. Focus & concentration & short term memory loss continue to be an issue for me. I'm learning to cope but, believe me, it is NOT easy. Maybe if I'd been born a "B-type".....!!

I'm up very early this morning - on a steroid "high" (yuck!) and couldn't sleep. Had a chemo treatment yesterday, so this will be a difficult week, as it usually is following a drug session. My CT scan was, once again, good news: the tumors have shrunk a little bit more. The CT scan results was not as dramatic as the one from 3 months ago, when the tumors had shrunk by 50%. But shrinking is far, far better than growing!!

To tell you the truth, I thought the earlier CT scan was a fluke. So, while Gordy was flying really high on happiness, I was more reserved and, frankly, almost disbelieving. But after receiving the most recent CT results, I knew it wasn't a fluke and am really pleased!! Go figure, huh??!!

I've mentioned, in past posts, that I'd had balance issues and had fallen (hard) three times over the past year & a half. My right knee was pretty bad and I was almost always in pain. I had to be aware 100% of the time where I was putting my feet. Everyone has their own "Enough is Enough" point, and I hit mine right after Labor Day. Went in to the surgeon, had an MRI on the knee and scheduled arthroscopic same-day surgery. I'm now 5 weeks out on having had the surgery and BOY! am I glad I did it. He sez it takes 3 months to heal completely, but at least I'm not hurting like before. GETTING OLD IS NOT FOR SISSIES!!!

I've finally accepted the fact that I will never, ever, be the way I was two years ago before I was diagnosed. My "new normal" is alot of ups & downs. So, I may have 4 or 5 really good days, then 1 to 3 days when I'm so fatigued, i can't do much. I go to the Minneapolis VA hospital on Thursday mornings from 8 to noon and volunteer in the Oncology clinic. I absolutely LOVE it, and have met some wonderful people there. It inspires me, as well as makes me know how lucky I am that my lung cancer was detected earlier than most. I wish I had more energy to volunteer more than once a week though. Maybe next year....

I want you to know how very, VERY much it's meant to me to receive your cards, Email messages and phonecalls. This whole experience can be very isolating and my world has definitely shrunk. You've been wonderful at letting me know I'm not forgotten, and I thank you!!!

Of course you've all heard of Steve Jobs' (Apple) passing recently. Did you know what his last words were? In her eulogy, his sister said his last words were: "Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow". This further convinces me that there is a God & that there is a far better place ahead. It brought tears to my eyes and joy & comfort to my heart, which I hope it will for you too. In the meantime: I AM STILL HERE!!!

Fall Equinox

I just had my most recent IV treatment on Monday - the 6th since spring - which I have every 3 weeks. Will, again, have a CT scan, in early October to see if the cancer will continue to respond to the drug. Cancer is a wiley Beast! You'd think I'd "get used" to this routine. But, frankly, unless you are emotionally & mentally numb, it's really impossible to do that.

In this blog, I mentioned my older friend, Merrie, awhile ago. We met in the waiting room (back in March) at the Cancer Center and became friends. Merrie lost her battle with lung cancer a week ago. Yesterday, I went to her funeral. I saw her husband when I came through the door. He gave me a big bear hug. We simply couldn't speak because we were both so overcome. He finally said, "Thank you --- for being Merrie's friend to the end." I met her two daughters - both of whom knew who I was, though I'd never met either one. I will truly miss my friend. It was a blessing to be able to talk to someone who knew exactly what this journey is like.

The hardest part of all (which I did not see coming) was when I left and walked back out to the car; I fell apart. I was filled with such physical waves of fear and terror, I could not catch my breath. I think losing Merrie made me realize, in a very real & true way, for the very first time, what cancer means for my future, and I was overcome with it. I sat out in the car and cried really HARD for 15 or 20 minutes. It's a good thing I was parked on a quiet street and had the windows up on the car because I have no doubt I sounded like a complete banshee!! Had to sit there for quite awhile because the output of so much emotion so quickly absolutely exhausted me. I'm sure I look like a Siamese cat today because my eyes are so puffy. I know that Merrie is in such a wonderfully better place and no longer in pain. I have never (EVER!!) been good at saying goodbyes.

I have also told you about the problems with my right knee these past 2 years - having fallen several times and making a bad situation worse. I'm sick of having knee pain SO, am having laprascopic (spelling??) surgery on Oct 4th to (hopefully) fix the problem. Will let you all know how THAT goes! Even if it only improves 20%, it will be an improvement. I want to get out and enjoy the fall by walking in the neighborhood, and I have not been able to do that.

God has been so incredibly good to me - I could not ask for more supportive, loving friends - such a blessing!!! I don't want you to think I'm sitting around like Eyore --- I'm not!!! I have my bad days, but mostly, I'm OK. More soon -- love me