I'm going to give a complete & total update on what's been happening with me. No holds barred! Here goes.
The past few months, my energy has definitely gotten better. I'm not fatigued all of the time, as I was last summer & fall. I look “normal” again. But I am definitely not “normal”. (OK, OK, I admit, I've never really been normal!) Over the past 2 – 3 months, I've begun to learn my limitations. My entire life, I've gone at EVERYTHING with 110%; that's how I am. But I can't go at it like that anymore; I don't have the lung capacity. Mentally, it's been very difficult to wrap my head around this. I honestly thought I could simply push through it. So, I pushed myself (physically), and quickly found out that simple WANTING it to be so will not make it so. Yes, I know I'm 60 and nothing is as easy as it was when I was 50.
Chemo-therapy has taken a toll. It takes a very long time (I'm told several years) for the drugs to work out of my system. I'm going to tell you the truth about side effects. If you've never been through it, you would have NO idea.
I get small sores in my mouth (like canker sores) which come & go – some are big (the size of a pencil eraser); some are small (the size of pinhead). My mouth is dry and my gums are receding. I have a constant “funny” taste in my mouth which never goes away. My eyesight has definitely gotten worse, particularly my left eye. I've had Tinnitus (ringing in the ears) for many years (the result, I'm sure, from attending REALLY loud concerts back in the late 60's & 70's); it's gotten worse. I have low-grade headaches and sore throats which come and go. My immunity has been compromised; I get infections & colds easily. I was never one to carry around hand sanitizers; I simply washed my hands often. I now carry a bottle of hand sanitizer when I leave the house, and use it often. I've always had an iron stomach. But now, certain foods tear me up. One of these is (you're not gonna believe this!) lettuce. Yeah, lettuce! And I love salads. I still eat lettuce, but it's tough to digest.
But the side effect which bothers me most is “Chemo brain”. My ability to focus is NOT good. I love to read, but can't stay with a book more than 10 or 15 minutes before I have to put it down. My mind wanders easily. My short-term memory has been impacted. Yes, yes, I know I'm 60 and we all have memory issues to one degree or another. I had those “normal” memory problems before I was diagnosed. By that, I mean, going into another room and by the time I got there, forgetting why or what it was I went in there to do/to get – that is “normal”. Chemo brain is meaner than that. By the time I START to stand up, I've forgotten – just like that – poof! I stand up completely and then, well, just stand there, feeling lost; I remember nothing – not even a sliver of a thought that I could trace back. When a thought pops into my head (“I need to tell Gordy – fill-in-the-blank,” or “I have to do blah-blah”), I have to write it down or say it IMMEDIATELY or – poof! - it's gone – like smoke. I hate it!! Makes me feel stupid – hate feelin' stupid. I have a notepad & pencil sitting next to me on the couch to jot things down, which helps somewhat. But far too often, by the time I reach for the pencil – poof! - I've forgotten. Gordy tries not to interrupt or change the subject/distract me when I talk or - POOF! - my thought is gone. There are other side effects, but I won't bemoan the point! Suffice it to say I laugh at myself a lot more than I used to!
And DESPITE these side effects, I've been incredibly lucky because it could have been SO much worse. For example, one of the side effects could have been Neuropathy in the feet, legs, arms, hands (tingling and/or pain). Fortunately, I don't have Neuropathy.
Oh-h-h-h, and s-e-x.....should I go there?! What the hell, why not?! I used to be a “rabbit”. Since I began chemo in Dec '09, I'm a “camel”. I don't think I need to explain that to you, now do I?!! Chemo, radiation, surgery – all of those changed me. I'm trying to get my head back into it but for the longest time, it simply didn't matter to me. (I can just hear a guy who may be reading this thinking to himself “Huh? You gotta be kiddin' me. Not interested in sex – I'd rather be dead.”) If anyone knows of a Viagra for women, lemme know, will ya?
I really wish the CT scan results had been better, but, once again, it could have been SO much worse, and for that, I'm so grateful. My next CT scan will be in 8 weeks (April 28th), My Oncologist, God bless him, is staying right on top of it. Still, I have to wonder what is all this radiation doing to me? Won't even need a nightlight – I'll be glowing in the dark before too long!
The nodule has grown only very slightly since early December (3 mm) - VERY good news – a fast growing ANYTHING is bad. It bugs me no end that we can't biopsy the darned thing but it's just too small to biopsy at this point - about the size of a large green pea. And, for those of you who are wondering, it's very difficult to do a biopsy on such a small object in the lung (I asked about this, believe me!). With any other organ (liver, pancreas, etc), it would not be a moving target. The lung, however, is constantly moving and, since a person can only hold in a breath for just so long, it's not enough time for even the best doctor to move a scope to exactly the right spot in order to do a biopsy. My Oncologist cannot determine a specific drug therapy until he knows what TYPE of cancer it is. He can't know that without a biopsy. Honestly, if this isn't Catch-22, huh?! So, we wait.
No cancer has shown up in any other organs – again, EXCELLENT news. If you didn't know (and I didn't!), one of the most common places for lung cancer to metastasize is to the brain. It had been almost a year since I'd had an MRI done on my brain. A week before my March 8th CT scan, I had an MRI done. Two great things to report: first, no cancer there and second, I HAVE a brain! Showed up right there in black and white!
Winter is FINALLY giving up the ghost around here. Temps are going up so that our huge snow piles are melting. This is good. I'm sick, sick, sick of winter. I want to get out and walk. Unfortunately, my days of “power walking” are over. But I can at least look forward to “power strolling” !
I AM STILL HERE!!
