June 7, 2013

Once again, it's been too long since I updated this blog to let you know how I'm doing..

My sister, Micki, came from Kingston, NY from May 1^st thru the 11^th. It was so nice to spend time with her! I'd made a “to do” list of various things I wanted her to help me get done.

I was always a prolific cross-stitcher but can't do it anymore because my eyes simply aren't good enough. I had a big supply of threads, beautiful materials, buttons, etc, and I wanted to give this to friend, Shelley, also a big stitcher. I also love to do mosaics but can't anymore. Micki helped me sort through it all and my friends came by to take most of it away. I like knowing that someone else will use & enjoy my stuff.

What I was not prepared for was the emotional fall-out of giving away “stuff”. After Micki left, I would find myself crying (sobbing) for no reason at all, and wondering to myself, “What it going on ??”. It took a couple of days to realize I was “mourning” parts of my life that were gone or going away. While I know it's “normal”, it doesn't make it any easier to feel the feelings or to let go of it. There is no GPS for navigating the mental & emotional journey through Cancer (“The Beast”). I decided that these 'waves' of emotion are like ocean waves that come tumbling over me – no way of seeing them coming or avoiding them – I just haave to ride thruough each one. It sucks!

The Palliative Care Nurse is always asking me about my pain level. Pain – very subjective. I “inherited” my Mom's high pain tolerance, which is good, but I am so reluctant to use pain pills. As I've said before – I can tolerate 'uncomfotable', I can't tolerate 'unbearable'. So, for now, I use pain pills sparingly.

You have NO idea how frustrating it is when I see something that either I'd like to do OR needs to be done (like cobwebs on the ceiling) and I can't do it. Since I updated this blog last, fatigue has become a bigger issue. Plus falling and staying sleep has reared its ugly head again. I go to bed fairly early (usually by 9PM) and don't get up much before 10 AM. Some days, by the time I get up , take my pills, brush my teeth, etc, I'm ready to go right back to bed. I don't, of course, because I can hear my Mom in my head saying, “OK, that's enough. Come on: get up, get up, get up!”

OK, so my nephew, Ryan (17), (I adore that kid!) is coming on June 20^th thru July 3^rd from Georgia to spend time with me & Gordy. Can't wait to see him. He will be spending time with Gordy too – they love to go fishing. He's a good kid and loves his “Aunt Reenie”. I'm so grateful to my sister, Nancee, and bro-in-law, Jim, for letting him come up here.

The two lymph nodes in the front of my lower neck get irritated, which makes it hard for me to swallow and cough. Uncomfortable but bearable. There are other things going on with me – physically – but I hate to burden you with all that.

I can't even begin to tell my GHS friends how much your cards & notes have meant to me!!! It is so nice to be remembered and especially by people who know me so well and from way back when.

My world is shrinking. I don't get out much. This has been such a crappy spring and, so far, summer, has not made an appearance – I'm sure some of you are experiencing the same thing. To be able to sit in the side yard with the sun on my face would be great.

I think I'm rambling here. So I'll end for now. Please know that I love you!!